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The All Important “I” in Independence
This week’s blog is a very close subject to me personally. Everyone knows when someone has a physical limitation that they must work hard to overcome the specific limitation. From a very young age the subject of independence is discussed. This is a fairly good idea because most people want to be able to care for themselves and do as much as they can.
From about the age of 2 parents can begin to see that every child has a free will and wants to control their environment. As a child continues to grow so does that same spirit of control. This includes daily life activities. By the time a child becomes a teenager the task of learning how to drive becomes a rite of passage. The same holds true for the first relationship and choice of college and career.The above mentioned phases of development are the phases that “naturally” happen. People with limitations want to achieve the same thing, independence. I am writing today for all the people I have discussed the idea of independence. I am not writing for any one individual, but rather for the general tone and feelings of these individuals.
It’s hard to know where to start because often times this is not a linear discussion as much as a circular one. Let’s begin with the idea of choice. A large number of people who can work to gain independence also may want to make their own choices. Choices are the hallmark of independence yet, people with limitations have a great deal of those choices being made for them. It is invaluable to include the person in the decision making process.
Confidence is a driving force to establish the deserved level of independence. Often I feel that this is one of the things that is overlooked or minimized. Starting with personal goals and being willing to modify them if needed can be the best motivation to try other new tasks. Confidence is one of the best motivators because if you know you can do a task there is often little or no reason why someone will not build on those skills. Building self-confidence is something that is so powerful and yet something that takes time. However, the time invested is not wasted. To obtain true self-confidence the person who is lacking the level of confidence desired must practice enough in order for true confidence to be achieved. This may sound basic but people with disabilities need more time to gain confidence. Allowing people to move at their pace and providing the needed support is best. Then the person can begin to recognize their own abilities.
Self-confidence belongs to the person and cannot be taken. It is often the biggest motivator for ongoing success. This is quite different from quilt. Guilt is indeed a motivator, but it is short lived. Guilt does not allow someone to own their own achievements. More often guilt leaves little options or motivation. This is because guilt is often accompanied by force. No one enjoys being forced to do something. However, this is how some disabled people may feel. They feel that people tell them what and how to live without them being able to fully engage in the process.
The truth is that people with limitations are not much different than people without any limitations. When asked they will express that they want the exact same things as their able-bodied counter parts. They desire a good job, great friends, loving relationships with family and significant others, hobbies, and appropriate home or living arrangements. No matter who we are we all have desires. I personally believe we were all created to have relationships with others. Whether that is with friends, parents, or professional relationships we can all be dependent on others in some way.The irony about independence is that we all are interdependent on each other. In India, for example, communal living is socially accepted and is also expected. If someone (male or female) is living away or separated from the family without an acceptable reason they are negatively looked upon among the villagers. Everyone is there for each other and they naturally fit into the household. Everyone works together in unity for the common good of the family. It is a beautiful realistic picture of how people can be independent and yet have the blessing of family.
The additional component of all of this is there are fewer cases of anxiety and depression when living in a communal society. There could be many different reasons for this, but one of the reasons could definitely be because they have a sense of belonging. A sense of belonging is a basic need and some people (especially those with limitations) work to achieve this to no avail.
Having physical or cognitive limitations is not by choice. All of us need to recognize that people with limitations are people that desire the same things we all enjoy. This includes, but not limited to independence. The best thing that can happen is the person’s ideas and feelings must be at the center of such a discussion. Encouragement to achieve what they can and being a support when needed or wanted will allow the person to be heard and feel valued.
